unEarthingMe

Well, any writing that I have done hasn't been in blog format.  I have really pulled inward and ridden the waves of change swirling about me.  We have moved yet again.  We miss our old Sears Hill neighborhood and neighbors but really do love our new location.  For the first time ever the girls have friends in walking distance.  I have a studio.  That's right a studio!  I have just begun to find and unearth art supplies that have been packed away for far too many years.

The girls have made it most of the way through their new adventure in school.  For one it was all of the good I had hoped for it to be with far less of the problems that I had anticipated helping her through.  For the other, well, it was hard.  There were good things about it but, it was hard.  Would I change having done it?  No.  She/we have gained a great deal of insight about her and have used that to start planning for her future education.

Also in my quite time, I have found a doctor.  After many years of not treating my AVM, I have finally found and settled on a team of doctors and their proposed treatment plan.  Best of all, they are in Charlottesville - not Boston, not Denver, not New York - right here thirty-some minutes away.

I have let many things go and have been slowly developing a plan, routine, way of life, for myself and my family.  While I can never feel like I can be off duty, I am starting to feel that I have a structure around my life that will allow me to start treatment and allow me to pursue my art AND still allow me to contribute to the girls' education.

Now I am hoping to see a bit more of myself around HERE.

It was funny the first time I heard Jon Stewart refer to attendance of the recent "Tea Parties" as such but, it ends pretty quickly.  Just as the fart joke might have a fleeting moment (at best) of humor, beyond that you really have to have the mentality of a ten year old boy for it to keep you in stitches.  If you're trying to make any reasonable point or debate, being viewed as having the mentality of a ten year old is likely starting you at a disadvantage.  At this point, this reference is so overused and the negative connotation is on the describer not the descriptee. 

There has been so much happening. So many things I should have to say. I just haven't been able to muster up the energy to

...talk about how excited, terrified and impatient I feel about the upcoming election;

...tell you all a humorous little tale of just how many times I have been pulled over in the past week;

...describe the 40th birthday I just celebrated last weekend;

...let you in on our upcoming news.

Instead, I have this looming weight in the corners of my rooms, in my peripheral vision. It's not the first thing you see, but you know it's there. Usually, it's in the tiniest mouse hole, rarely noticed, but when it makes it's presence know certain times of year seeking to come in from the cold. Always there, justtoo small to command attention until there's in infestation. Something my sister said brought it right out front and center and now a spotlight is shining on it. It is my mother.

For many (many, many, many) years, we have had to watch her committing suicide through alcohol and bad choices. And for the most part, I am in a total place of acceptance. I know she will probably die soon. I know that there is nothing I can do. And, I have done so much processesing that it generally doesn't get to me, even when we're in one of our current cycles where my sister and I have to drop what's going on in our lives to take care of the details of a crisis. No matter how much we distance and protect ourselves, she every so often finds a way that we HAVE to get involved.

What makes this time different was something my sister said upon returning from the detox center. She had gotten pretty choked up upon seeing our mother. "She just doesn't get it. It's like watching someone that you know is about to die but she doesn't know it. I felt like I needed to say goodbye." Suddenly, all of my armor was stripped away and I was sucker-punched right in the gut.

The disconnect my mother has with reality is truly the most amazing case of denial I have ever seen.  I am honestly surprised that she is still alive at this point. She has done so much damage. The finality will in some ways be a relief as it can be torturous to watch her and worry about what situation she will put herself in next. She will probably survive the next few days of detox and the following month of medical respite in a homeless shelter. After that, her options are up and my sister is right. She doesn't seem to get it.

I'm not even trying to walk in the yard with the cast so, my beautiful garden is quite neglected.  Every once in a while, I can convince one of my family members to go out and pick me something.  The blue-red of this pepper was stunning.  The flavor lived up to its beauty.

 I wanna go with one of my best friends and my sister to see the Beastie Boys at this event!  Even though I could try to justify this as a birthday present, I shouldn't spend the money right now and this darn foot of mine WOULD hinder my fun.  For those of you who CAN go - it's Tuesday, October 28th at the Richmond Coliseum.  Also appearing: Sheryl Crow, Jack Johnson, Santogold, and Norah Jones

You two have fun.  No really, I want you to have fun.  Really, I do.